Flames in (on) my head

I became a redhead right after the moving back home.

I have always had dark hair. My natural shade is a dark chocolate brown. I have died my hair a couple of times for a slight change in my look, but it was always brown - redder, darker or warmer, but always dark brown.

After the whole break up story I did not want to look myself anymore (to be more precise: I didn't want to BE myself, but that's a story for another post...) and I desperately needed a change, so I fulfilled my "long-term" dream of having chestnut hair.

They look pretty red/orange in the sunlight, but in normal light they are just... well, chestnut ;).

 I have re-died the hair 2 times since I first did it, with different dyes, but I still haven't found my dream shade. I think that's because my natural hair is too dark for the color to turn out how it should.
That's why the next time I want to dye my roots, I will go to a professional hairdresser to get the exact shade that I want:

 (photos above found on google images)

Especially with highlights of other chestnut shades... What do You think? :)

I am not here to whine. Part 2.

When something breaks, you mend it. When something breaks YOU, you have to become a self-mender.

After all the Egyptian plagues I experienced, I found myself back at home, barely alive (actually regretting I was alive at all) and not even wanting to look like myself anymore, not to mention still BEING myself.

I also have always repeated that no matter what happens, it is better to force yourself to keep going - or if not going, then at least standing up - that to allow yourself to sit down and whine, because You just CANNOT anymore. It turns out it requires far more energy and hard work to get back on your feet and start again, then it was actually required to remain standing...
Girls.* It's been almost two months an I am still in pieces. I cry every day. Every. Single. Day. But I just can't let myself sit here, in the middle of nowhere, even for a minute longer. I will not root here. I can't root here, or I will waste the best years of my life.
I have to move on, or crawl on, but moving forward anyway.

And so I decided to record the whole process.

Why?

Because I think there are hundreds of you in the same situation. It doesn't matter if you have just  broken up with someone, gotten fired or you 've lost something very dear to you. There are plenty of people having to start... well, from the beginning, and what makes things worse, being in a pathetic mental state. There are plenty of you who think they are the loneliest and the most unhappy people in the world. No doubt you are, but you are certainly not alone.

I want to to it for all the (currently) doomed souls out there, but not only. I am also doing this for myself. To see that I CAN.

I don't have a secret receipe for happiness to share with you. I am sorry. I am just as lost as you are.

What I am trying to do is to prove myself and you, that it is possible to move forward, to suck every, even the tiniest opportunity out of the current situation and make use of it. To grow and develop. To change. To rise from the dead, hopefully being better and wiser than before.

I actually created this blog as a place full of support and motivation. Let's shake hands, guys.

Now, what you will NOT find here is:

- my public vivisection or exhibitionism. This is clearly not the point. Sharing personal experiences is OK, but only with specific purpose.
- psychological advice/group therapy. I can share some advice with you, but it will be personal anyway, for I am not a professional and this cannot serve as therapy...
- depressive posts about how life sucks. Being honest is another thing, for no one is unbreakable. But girls. I am not here to whine.

You WILL find here:

- some girl power
- some motivational stuff
- hopefully - some self acceptance
- some strictly girl stuff that is well known as a remedy for mood improvement ;)
- LIFE and introspection. Because sometimes it will be necessary, to see how the healing process is going.

You can also read the "About me" page to get my idea better...

Let's start growing, girls.

* Yes, I said "Girls". Of course if you are a guy you can also read everything I post and find something universal there, but as I am a woman, it's far easier for me to unite with other women, and focus on, well, girl point of view.

I am not here to whine. Part 1 - Here is the thing...

Hello  everyone.

Welcome to my blog. A brand new one.
There is a reason for starting a new blog when I had quite a nice previous one.
There is a reason for starting anew life when I had quite a nice previous one.

Here is the thing...

Let's start in September 2014, with an unpleasant cardiolgical procedure I had to undergo to get rid of my arythmia, which generally means I had to have some areas of my heart burnt out with a hot electrode. Yumm. This was only a beginning of a serie of unfortunate events, which ended up with a disaster.

In February I found my first 'real' job and moved out to my boyfriend's. He had asked me for it a few times before, and that was the best moment. I got a job, which technically sucked in terms of salary and general conditions, but at least I HAD SOMETHING, I felt I was doing something (especially because I was working in my field of interest - I studied infant psychology, and here I was, working with children suffering from autism...), and  at least I felt I was not entirely depending on my parents. I moved because I had found a job, and I found a job to be able to move. It generally happened simultaneously. 

But because of having started to "really" work, and because of organizing a new life in a completely new place, I had more and more delays when it comes to my thesis. 

And I got kicked out of the Uni.

Great.

But who cared, when I was heading towards my beautiful dream of living on my own, hah, not on my own, but even better - I was starting an "adult" life with the love of my life. The thesis could wait.

Meanwhile I had another surgery, this time they fixed my sinuses and septum. A week without breathing, a week of bleeding, a month of sore nose because of the broken septum. 

And then something weird started to happen to my body. My doctor said it was probably a side effect of tons of medications I had to take after the septum surgery - and she was right - but anyways she made me have my blood tested. And then we found out I had an autoimmunological disease, in full swing. And I will have it for the rest of my life. Which means I have to take some bloody pills every day, and I will be taking them, aaargh, forever, until my freaking dying day.

Great.

Then I got really angry at my job's conditions and a slave salary and I started looking for another one.

I found it.

When they invited me to the job interview, it turned out the company was 6 minutes by car (or 9 by bike) away from our home. It could not have been better. I thought we would have so much time for ourselves, at last I didn't have to waste half a day commuting.

On Sepember 1st I started a new job.

My happiness lasted two weeks.

In mid-September the love of my life told me, in the most humiliating conditions possible, that there was no future for us, because - not going too much into details- he does not want to take any real responsibility, which he knew I would start expecting at some point. And everything was over.

My whole life I was trying to build so carefully, all my sacrifice and my whole idea of the future got blown up in less than a minute. 

I came back to my starting point - my family home- in about 4 hours, with all the things I'd been moving slowly to my new home for half a year.

And here I am.

Emotionally ruined by a man I was certain I was going to marry. And - in the end - without him.

Kicked out of the University, with my graduation embarassingly delayed.

With a job at the far side of the world (my home and my boyfriend's house are at two different ends of Warsaw. Literally.) and a psycho boss (he turned out to be a complete asshole without respect for anyone). I have to wake up at 5.30 a.m every day to get there, and I spend half a day trying to get back home. From a job that could be just 6 minutes away from where I lived.

Not having a bloody idea where I am going to work or live in the near future, because of course I have to change the job, and move out from home, because I don't want to live with my parents until I grow old. 

And here comes the blog.

I will explain its existence to you in Part 2.